I was raped on New Years Eve 08/09.
That ordeal has left me feeling alone and isolated and with that comes the feeling of having no one to talk to, so this little blog will become my outlet. I'll com here to vent frustration, ask anything and really just get everything off of my mind.
I'll start with the intros, Hi, my name is Lily. No, this is not my real name. None of the names in this blog will be real. As a victim, I do not wish for anyone else to become a victim and though I don't expect anyone to read this, better safe than sorry.
I guess it'll be good to start with Dec 30th 2008. I had decided to spend the night alone on New years, I was having one of those weeks and just felt like spending a quiet night in bed. But an old friend of mine texted me and invited me to her small New years get together. I figured, "why not?".
Now a lot led me to making that decision. Having had my mother tell me days before that I need more friends and a selection of other things that I'll touch base on at a later date, well let's just say I assumed that I should go if it meant making more friends. A thing that never really bothered me previously.
I got to the party, there was only 6 of us. I grabbed a drink and sat myself down to hear a guy finish telling everyone about his plans for the New Year. We'll call this guy Laurie. Laurie finished his speech with the ever so classy line, "and I am going to buy a leather belt and for every girl I sleep with next year, I'm going to add a new notch to it. Get it?! A notch in my belt!!"
Everyone kind of half laughed, half grimaced. The party then progressed the way parties normally do. Drinking, singing, dancing, more drinking and much photography. I then found myself at the recieving end of a forced kiss. I pulled away and started my apologies. I was not into this guy and I don't do the random hook up thing. Not that kind of girl.
This is from an email I sent to my best friend Sydney after the ordeal. He was out of town for a while, but the email pretty much puts into perspective everything that was running through my head the entire day after that night.
.
"This guy at the party kept clinging to me and I was like “yeah, no…” and he wouldn’t take a fucking hint and then he started kissing me. I humoured him because, hey it was new years and he was pissed, but seriously, not attracted to him at all and he was coming on waaaay too strong. So I pulled away and said I wasn’t interested and sorry and all that jazz. But he grabbed the back of my hair and yanked my fucking head towards him and he kept pulling my top down to get at my chest and then he pushed me into the bathroom and I couldn’t stop him and I tried my hardest to get him off of me but he was a lot bigger than me and all I could say was “no:” and not even that loudly and no one heard but everyone at the party thought we were just fucking and that the whole thing was consensual and no one helped me and I tried ot get him off of me and I have bruises all down my legs and grazes and all over my arms, and bruises on my chest and cuts where I shouldn’t have cuts and a bruise on my head from where I fell into the brick wall. I’ve had so many showers and I just feel so unclean and I have this feeling like I want to throw up and it won’t go away. I’ve never felt so sore, used and hurt and now this guy won’t stop calling me and I don’t know what to do. I just feel so awful. I want the ground to open up and swallow me."
I've left spelling errors in. I was typing that at 500mph. I still feel like that, constantly spinning, I keep crying, I feel dirty, I can't sleep, my appetite is vanishing and as I said earlier I feel ever so alone. I'll leave it at that for now, but chances are I'll be back in a matter of hours.
Stay safe,
xox
Lily
